How to deal with Dutch people (21)

Whether you're Catholic, Muslim or Worshipper of Urrrgl the God of all Honest politicians, in Holland it will be easy to find a church, temple or oak tree of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant to other religions and believes. This is not true. The only reason Holland has so much churches, sects or cults is the fact they have a difference in opinion about everything. A Hollander is always right and everyone that does not agree can beat it and start his own church.

How to deal with Dutch people (20)

In contradiction of many rumours, it is not legal to bring your mother in law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take matters into their own hands.

How to deal with Dutch people (19)

Don't bother renting a car. Not only will you be able to steal more bikes then you can use but car traffic in Holland is not something to enjoy. Where the rest of the world uses kilometres to express the lengths of traffic jams, in Holland these are measured in weeks. To be honest, the most steadfast ones are worth a visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can greatly improve your mood if your somewhat philosophical. Bring some pieces of bread to throw through the open windows. The fights over them are often very spectacular.

Happy Easter

Vrolijk Pasen! Frohe Ostern! Joyeuses Paques!

With special thanks to Rini for providing this cute picture.

How to deal with Dutch people (18)

There is a fast and foolproof way of embarrassing yourself in Holland. Enter a coffeeshop and ask for a cappuccino with a biscuit. Coffeeshops -remember this- do not sell coffee. They do however have a large variety of stimulating products at reasonable prices. For unknown reasons, coffeeshops are very popular amongst young French tourists.

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How to deal with Dutch people (17)

Holland has a unique service for -mainly- France tourist. At the moment they pass the border, they are enthusiastically welcomed by youngsters in fast cars. These youngsters have the explicit wish to show these tourists the way to the many interesting tourist-attractions Holland has to offer. Strangly, they always end up in a coffee-shop or drug house though. Weird people, the French.

How to deal with Dutch people (16)

At almost every bread meal in Holland you will find a mean looking big knife with a sharp slide in it. It is called a 'kaasschaaf' and is used to cut very thin slices of cheese (Yes, it's a Dutch invention). Never cut cheese with a regular knife, you will make yourself completely ridiculous. Another typical eating tool is the so-called bottlescraper. Beware, don't use it for that annoying itch on your back. It's designed to scrape the last bits of yoghurt or mayonnaise out of the bottle. A Hollander will use every millimeter of the product he bought. He paid for it, he'll eat it, no matter what.

Vakantietip

Ga dit jaar eens op vakantie in het Oostblok. Uw auto is er al!
http://www.gestolenauto.nl/

Holidaytip: go to the East part of Europe, your car is already there!

How to deal with Dutch people (15)

The most important way of public transportation in Holland is the bicycle. Feel free to take any bike of which you can pick the lock. Just don't expect your own bike to be in the same spot where you parked it 3 minutes earlier. Hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Good luck!

How to deal with Dutch people (14)

Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. Nonsense. They just make too much money selling drugs and Malaysian women, to miss the opportunity to make so much profit.

How to deal with Dutch people (13)

If you want to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you will want to - tell him you don't think he's a pacifist. Now start running for your life. He will not stop trying to prove he's the most peace-loving person in the world until your intestines are on the street. As mentioned earlier, mentioning the so-called colonial past in Suriname or Indonesia, will instantly reduce the Hollander to a sniffling child, begging for forgiveness.

Economische recessie

In times of need you have to be creative!

How to deal with Dutch people (12)

Holland is small. It is sometimes rumoured that Holland is so small they take it inside when it's raining. This is not true because it rains 365 days a year. This also explains the wooden shoes: they float. Yes…Holland is small and Hollanders are very proud of it. They will use any opportunity to say that Holland accomplished such great things for such a small country. A fitting answer would be to refer to it's colonial past.

How to deal with Dutch people (11)

Hollanders do not like spending money. They would rather cut of an ear. A Hollander will be your friend for life if you give him something for free. This might explain the great success of McDonalds in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

How to deal with Dutch people (10)

Cops in Holland are mainly used to throw stuff at. If you get the uncontrollable desire to hit someone, take on a cop. No Hollander will pay any attention if you hit a cop, put a knife in his cranium or firmly kick him in the butt. Cops represent authority and not one Hollander recognizes a higher authority then himself. You will notice the fact that most cops are actually foreigners that were lured into this job.

How to deal with Dutch people (9)

Avoid soccer fans at all times. Soccer in Holland is just an excuse to crush the skulls of practically everybody else, including yours. This mainly takes place when the game is lost…or tied…or won. It is extremely foolish to stand next to a cop during these festivities. Also remember never to mention the 1974 cup finals near a Hollander. He will instantly pull you into a long-lasting litany about how good 'Orange' played then and how good…blablablabla…

How to deal with Dutch people (8)

It is not necessary to fake interest for tulips, mills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows you came for the soft drugs and the Amsterdam red-light district. Both are widely spread and easy to find. Just ask any Hollander over age 6 or a French tourist.

How to deal with Dutch people (7)

Mills are inevitable.